Ukime
by That Buggy Girl
Summary: Ukime: Grief. Kamatari's on a downward spiral...[warning: sequel to 'Tsutanai,' shonen ai, depression, angst, first person POV - COMPLETE]
1. denial

**Author's note: This is the sequel to "Tsutanai" and would make little sense without reading said fic first. While "Tsutanai" went from month to month, the chapter titles of "Ukime" are the Five Stages of Grief.**

* * *

(denial)

I'm numb.

It didn't happen.

Sojiro is waiting for me when I enter, but says nothing. I notice as his eyes take in my blood soaked kimono; but he doesn't ask.

He already knows.

"Kamatari-san…" He bites his lip, "Sumimasen…"

"For what?"

Blue eyes don't even blink. He takes me by the hand, his customary smile unusually absent from his childish face. "Shishio-san should not have told Usui to do that…" The boy says absently as he leads me to the bathhouse.

"Do what?" My voice sounds like it's coming from far away; I'm so detached from reality.

Without so much as a blush, he helps me undress and get into the tub. Never again will I see the frosty purple kimono I had been wearing that day; I'll never know of its ultimate demise. Not that it matters anyway. I'd gotten something on it; the fabric was stained a deep plum color.

My entire body feels heavy. I can't manage the soap; can't cleanse the stickiness from my body.

Without so much as a word, Sojiro helps. He washes me gently, small calloused hands covering every inch of blood-stained skin. He looks pensive and I wonder at his missing smile. What, I wonder, has caused him so much grief. I can't remember the last time I'd seen the boy frown.

"Kamatari-san?"

"Hai?" I look up, meeting that brilliant blue gaze. He blushes lightly; pulling his soapy hands away from my naked body.

"I know this will be hard for you…You loved him very much."

"Loved who?" What's wrong with Sojiro that he's acting like this?

"Yuki-san." He pauses, "I know it will get some taking used to; his being…gone…"

I blink. "Sou-kun, you speak as if he's dead."

Something in his eyes breaks and he strokes my damp hair.


	2. anger

(anger)

"Usui; that bastard! I'll never forgive him; never forgive him for what he did!" I can't control the tears; my rage; my hatred. Through it all; hazy passion. Hands are stroking me all over, mimicking what I used to receive on a nightly basis. And a voice in my ear:

"Give it to me…Your love, your anger, and all of your sorrow."

Who knew Chou could be so poetic?

"Take it…" My own voice is a hoarse whisper, "Take me. Fuck me. I want to forget…"

"This ain't gonna make you forget, 'Tari." But he obliges, pounding into me, kissing roughly. He likes when I'm angry. He likes it rough. He even finds it amusing that, after two months, I still cry Yuki's name when I come. "And ya should be angry at Shishio, not Usui." He points out between grunts, "He's the one who ordered it done."

"Damn him to hell!" The rage is uncontrollable. The tears are burning; leaving hot trails down my cheeks. My entire body quakes with fury and Chou doesn't stop. If anything, it spurs him on. Harder. Faster.

It doesn't matter.

I'm angry with Usui for killing Yuki; angry with Shishio-sama for ordering it done; angry with Yuki for dying; angry with Chou for pity-fucking me; angry with Sojiro for being so sympathetic.

But mostly, I'm angry with myself.

After all of this, why do I still love Shishio-sama? Why am I still here? Why is my heart still so ensnared by the man who doesn't give a shit whether I live or die? Why am I allowing the continued assault on my heart? Why let him continue to toy with my emotions like this?

Because, a voice in my mind whispers, you have nothing else left.

And that just makes me more angry.


	3. bargaining

(bargaining)

"Kami-sama; bring Yuki back. He didn't deserve to die. I'd let you have me instead, if I could see him for one day; tell him how sorry I am."

It's become something of a ritual.

Deep down, I know it won't work; but I've bargained my way out of other terrible situations before.

"Don't talk like that, Kamatari-san." Sojiro offers me a cup of tea, that peculiar frown once again gracing his features. "You don't deserve to die either."

I ignore him, too lost in my own determination. "You hear me? If you give me another chance, I swear I'll treat him how I should have. Heaven knows I loved the man; give me a chance to prove it!" One hand thumps forcefully on the table, upsetting the tea cup. "If you let me do it all over again; you won't regret it!"

"Kamatari-san…" Sojiro looks truly worried this time.

"Just give me one more day!" My pleading continues; I can't help it. I'm begging; _begging._ I just want the normalcy of what my life used to be. Tea with Sojiro is routine enough; but I'd give anything to be able to finish my tea and get dressed up to go off to Yuki's.

Tears are forming again; I can't seem to stop cry. All I've done the past five months is alternate between despair and rage.

Sojiro, in an unusual display of compassion, rises and comes to my side. My vision blurs as he wraps his arms around me, hugging me tight. Tears fall freely. "Please…Just one more day…Kami-sama; I miss him…I'd sell my soul for just one more day…"

Sojiro's voice is muffled when he speaks, face pressed against my shoulder. "It's too late."

"I know…" A defeated whisper.

I've already sold my soul to the Shishio Makoto.


	4. depression

(depression)

"Come on; cheer up! You'll love this place. Best sake in town; I swear."

Why did I ever let Chou drag me out like this? He'd come barging into my room; telling me he couldn't stand to see me moping around any longer, declaring that it would do me good to get out. He wouldn't take "no" for an answer; even picked out a kimono for me to wear, winking, telling me he liked me all dolled up.

But everything we pass reminds me of Yuki…There's the bathhouse where we first met…Our favorite restaurant…The places we shopped; when he would treat me to new clothes. The inn he worked at…Sweet Buddha in Heaven; I can't deal with this.

Chou's drawl is growing distant. I wonder absently why I never noticed how much he talks. Every thought lately has been absent.

I can't focus.

And, dammit, I'm about to start crying again.

"Oi! 'Tari…" He looks over his shoulder, both eyes wide; a rare sight in itself. "Don't start with the tears again!"

"I…" Sniffling, I try to wipe the tears away, "I can't help it…I m-miss him so much…" I hug myself, desperately longing for warmth in the one place I know I will never again find it. "I want to die…I can't do this…"

He whirls fully around, hands on my shoulders, slamming me into the wall of a nearby building. "Yeah ya can!" He growls, "You've made it six months, Kamatari. Six months! Souji an' I sure ain't about to let you roll over and die now."

Intense brown eyes stare into mine until his face dissolves. Tears are streaming down my face. "It's not your choice…It's not your life…"

He looks at me knowingly; crushes his lips against mine. "Ain't your choice neither."

And I cry harder.


	5. acceptance

(acceptance)

It's been a year.

One snowy day, not long ago, Sojiro and Chou accompanied me to Yuki's grave, offering silent support and paying tribute to a man who never should have died.

Shishio-sama is dead. Sojiro is wandering. He got away before he was propositioned for a government job. Chou is now an undercover detective.

I'm moving on as well; I'm working as a spy.

Chou says the French schoolgirl uniform is sexy, then smiles when my eyes light up. I know he thinks it's good to see me back to normal. First Yuki's brutal murder, then Shishio-sama's death…I thought I would never be happy again. It's been a long road to recovery, but it's easier to smile now.

Sojiro told me once that I shouldn't despair; there would be some one else. Through my tears, I'd argued that no one could ever take Yuki's place. There was no one else.

But, he'd smiled, there's the dream of some one else.

I'll be shipping off to France soon; back to that boarding school a million miles away from my friends. The winter holidays are nearly over and I'll be in Paris. "City of Lights," Chou tells me, "The romance capital of the world. Don't go running off with one of those Frenchies on me. I ain't gonna be happy if I have to hunt ya down."

I can't help but laugh. Ever since that day he slammed me against the wall, claimed me with a kiss, he decided that no choice made about my future could be made without him. Even though I swear up and down I will never love him, he doesn't mind.

To be perfectly honest, I don't mind either.

I kiss him on the cheek. "Arigato."

"Fer what?"

A smile. "For keeping the dream alive."


End file.
